Throughout the years, we have collected some interesting and amusing work-related articles. Some of the better ones are posted on this page. These have made the "rounds" over the years and you may have seen them already, but they are still good for a daily chuckle or two.
ENGINEER IN HELL
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
MANAGERS VS. ENGINEERS
Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and had to travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers bought their three tickets and watched as the three Engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a Manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answered an Engineer.
They all board the train and the Managers took their seats and watched as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departed and shortly afterward, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Managers saw all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" asked one Manager.
"Just watch and you'll see," answered an Engineer.
They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers left his restroom, walked over to the Managers stall, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
IN NEED OF PIPING SPECIFICATIONS?
In today's highly technical piping design area, it is necessary to have a quality set of piping specifications. As a professional service to our customers and friends, we are pleased to present the following educational material.
- All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal concentric with hole.
- All pipe is to be hollow throughout entire length.
- All pipe is to be of very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.
- All acid proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.
- O.D. of all pipe must exceed the I.D. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside.
- All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
- All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at jobsite.
- All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up. Otherwise, it will make lumps under the paint.
- All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words “Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
- Pipe over two miles long must also have these words painted in the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not.
- All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words “Large Pipe" painted on it so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
- All pipefittings are to be made of the same stuff as pipe.
- No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked pipe.
- Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.
- Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
- If flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal.
- All flanges must be cast or forged of very best quality iron metal, close grained, free from blow holes, lumps, cavities, pock marks, pin pricks and warts. Otherwise we can't use them.
- Gaskets are to be used to fill space between flanges.
- Gaskets are to be made of metal, rubber, plastic, paper or some kind of goop. Do not use cow or sheep manure. It will crack when it gets dry.
- All valves must have an opening on each end with a flapper in the middle that goes up and down or sideways when you turn the wheel or crank so that it will close or open. Otherwise the stuff will run out of the hole.
- All completed piping lines must go somewhere and connect to something.
- All leaking joints and weld must be repaired while under pressure.
- All piping must be installed at least two times. A correct installment for the first time is not permitted.
- Regardless of the size of the project, inventory of spare fittings is not allowed.
- The installation of a bolt on each hole of a flange is not permitted.
- Gaskets must not be purchased, as a pair of scissors is on each job for this task.
- The use of such ridiculous tools as levels, tape measures, plumb bobs, etc. is not permitted.
- When welding piping in position, weld only top of joint.
- Never use piping specs from customer. They may be correct.
- Housekeeping is not permitted on construction site.
- Before testing pipes for leaks, furnish all personnel with raincoats.
Since we are unable to locate anyone willing to confess to the authorship of the above specifications, we are not able to thank them in print. Their humor, however, is certainly appreciated. NOW JUST GO DO IT!
PRICE OF A COMPUTER
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT" but then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
- Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
- Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
THIS ONE'S THE BEST BY FAR:
This is a true story from WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination Without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?'
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Un huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outrage."
"A power...A power outrage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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